Day 4 - Day of Negativity

I woke up at 7:30 to prepare for the day, I felt very rushed. My attitude and mind were unclear and darker than before. I was confused at the feelings I was experiencing, specifically since yesterday was SO great! I went downstairs, grabbed some cereal and ate it quickly in anticipation of being late for our circle. The cereal did not fill my empty stomach but I felt that it was more important to meet for the circle than suffice my animalistic needs.

As I entered the sacred room, I immediately sensed the change in energy. I felt that this day was going to take quite a toll on me. I tried to convince myself that everything was going to be all right and that today could be as blissful as yesterday, but there was no change in the energy. I chose to ignore the mood and placed it in the back of my mind. While trying to ground myself I threw all energy towards finding an intention for the day. A couple things came to mind but since Arna told me the previous day that I needed to concentrate on my Intentions, and be even more specific, the pressure was on. This did not come easily to me. Intentions were spoken and when it was my turn to speak I had no idea what to say… I took something that sounded good and I felt I could relate to. I spoke, “My intention is to find out what has been void in my life”. The rest of the circle continued to express their intentions and the circle was opened up for discussion.

This is when all the darkness started to make sense to me. One of my peers had tears rolling down her face and dropping onto her grey shirt, leaving an imprint of black from where the tears had hit. Each drop added to the darkness, one-by-one until she was able to speak. Her story was told and I was encapsulated by sadness of what was happening in her life. She was torn by a decision that she must make. The leaders of the group began asking her to look deep into her heart and if the answer would lye there. I felt her conundrum but in my heart the choice was simple. It was not my place to step in and tell her such thoughts because my truth is not her truth and I don’t know what is best for her, only she does.

It was brought up that this circumstance might have happened for her to work on something within herself so that she could heal and become perfectly herself. This is when I started to experience emotions other than sadness. When spoken, my body started to feel anger and hate. My interpretation of the sentence was that of conviction. It was my perception that they were trying to convince her toward one of the choices. I don’t know if this is the case but that was my interpretation. I know that this place is full of love and support and that everyone wanted this Woman to be able to find the right answer, but I could not prevent myself from feeling these emotions. It was then that I realized that maybe these emotions of which I was feeling were meant for me to work on. I put them at the back of my mind, for the moment, and continued to listen to the conversation.

It was my perception that they were trying to convince her of something, not allowing her to do what she felt was right, more so not allowing her to do what I felt was right! I wanted to voice my opinion but knew it was not my place to do so. She would decide what was true to her heart and I did not want to have any weight on that decision. This was her time to heal and only she could make that decision. As this went on I continued to feel all these negative feelings running through my body. My body wanted to let go and burst out but I was not about to let it. From here we moved right into formations

From the very beginning of the formations I tried as hard as I could to let my body concentrate on the task at hand. I found my brain spending much time thinking about my intention and trying to figure out exactly what it was that I needed to change or add to make the intention right. The thoughts of hate, fear and anger could not leave my mind and I knew that I needed to work on them, but I could not pull myself together to allow this. I knew that if I were to release these feelings during this time I would end up physically hurting myself. The hurt would not be that of intention, but that of needing to let out the rage into an object. Some form of aggression where my body could feel what I was going through and therefore help my situation. I could yell and scream but I needed to hit and kick. There were pillows in the room just for this reason but I knew they were not enough. There needed to be some mass behind the pillows or else I would end up hurting myself. I refrained for I needed something more intense, I needed a real punching bag; something that I could hit and kick as hard as I could to release these feelings while feeling a form of impact back. As I held in the emotions that were running through my body Saint Louis popped into my head. My hatred for this city was apparent. It was the action of this city and its effects on my soul that I have been bottling up. The racism and fear that this city introduced me to was hanging on my person like a parachute preventing me from getting up to a full sprint. Don’t get me wrong, I had a LOT of good things happen to me while at SLU such as friendships, extracurriculars etc., but those are not the things that I am here to work on.

Even though in this time of meditation we are not supposed to be thinking, I did, I needed to. It was through this thinking that I was able to recognize what was causing all these emotions. It felt like at the moment there was a connection between my heart and head. I was thinking but I was allowing myself to feel what I was going through. I don't know if the nonverbal expression of my emotions though containment was beneficial to me or if I should have let them out. I do know that it was at least a step in the right direction of noticing these feelings and understanding them, instead of just pushing them aside. After a long period of integration, I went back to the circle. I sat in the circle with my elbows on my knees and my face resting in my hands. I continued to think about the emotions I was feeling and tried to sort them out further. Nobody in the group had much to say for most of it was internal healing vs. all the external emotions over the first 3 days.

I was very thankful to be the down (on the table) first for this session. I don’t know if I would have been able to treat someone at that time without losing it. During this time I did not really feel any other emotions. To prevent myself from melting down I tried to sleep. Of course my brain wandered for a while and I never actually fell asleep, but the work done on me had no real effect except to calm me down, or so I thought. I only had one short vision while being worked on; a picture of a flea (could have been something else but it was the shape of a flea) followed by a fetus, followed by someone holding a baby. I don’t know what that means but it could have many interpretations. By the end of my treatment I was not fully relaxed and kind of restless. Sure enough within the next 10 min from when the treatment was over I fell asleep and missed lunch.

I woke as people started coming back into the room for the next set of treatments. I got off the table and sat in the circle, trying to ground myself. I did not know if I was going to be expected to treat my partner or not, but I was. At this moment, I was very thankful for that extra hour of sleep that I got on the table. I felt that it allowed a lot of the treatment to integrate internally. I am pretty sure that the spirits in the room did much work on my body as well. I don't know what this work was about but I was glad that it got me to a functional state. I felt that a lot of the work had to do with the release of some of the negative energy that I was feeling earlier. I was hoping that this would allow me to release the rest of the energy without hesitation during my next session. The treatment I gave took a lot longer than any previous. Everything seemed slow and took lots of patients and awareness of what was going on. My partner commented at dinner that he had quite the experience on, and off, the table.

In the final discussion of what happened this day nobody really opened up. It seemed that everyone was either struggling or had a lot of internal work done for which they could not, and did not need to, express. I seem to have experienced both. As the day went on the events seemed to all cloud together and affect my thinking processes.

My hope for the following day is to let out all negative emotions, feelings and thoughts from my body, for they have no place in my life. This is going to be a big challenge for me because I have kept all these emotions bottled up and stored in deep places of my body of which even I don’t know. I have a sense that a lot are in my lower back and neck because those are the two places of my body of which are constanty tight. The potential for the possible release of some emotions today might help or hurt me tomorrow in my quest to release them all. It might help in that I will not need to hit things so hard or kick them when there is nothing to really kick. It may also hurt me because I have re-internalized them and they might not be able to come back out or be so easy to find. Only time will tell…

With how this day went I was relieved to talk to a specific someone online and on the phone. I know that they will be reading this but it would be good for them to know that when I said that my day was “dark but better now that I am talking to you”, this was not a pick-up line. This was the truth. It was good to forget about the day and talk to another being who had no real connection to what I was going through and to know that I could just be open after all the “drama” that happened this morning.

Of course, as you all know, there was a lunar eclipse this night so we did some formational mediation during the eclipse. We did the same pyramidal formations as always but brought in our power animals to the mix. My experience was very powerful. I was able to connect up with all my power animals and found out that I had one I previously did not know about, the whale.

Day 3 - A Vision to Remember

Today was a day of blessing! I have never experienced joy surmounting to pure bliss before!

My intention was stated: “Give what is mine to give, take what is mine to take and love what is mine to love”. This intention just felt right at the time but I did not know where it really came from or what it meant but in the end it made sense.

In formations, I had a hard time differing between what was a vision of the mind and what was a vision of my heart. I was left pondering this question for some time and when not much was happening I decided to try something new. I forgot about thinking and trying to visualize everything and relied on my keen sense of energy through my hands.

When we were told to make a connection with the person on our right and to build that connection, I raised my left hand in front of me so that my palm was facing towards the person on my right. Immediately after, I placed my hand there I could feel the energy radiating off of her. I focused on this energy and it continually got larger until I had what felt as a softball of light and energy in my hand. When told to feel the connection with the person on our left, I raised my right hand, almost opposite my left, and attempted to do the same thing. This energy was much less and did not build up nearly to the size of the person on my right but I continued to focus on the two energies and started to try and meld them together. Next was to feel the heart to heart connection with the person across from us. I took the energy that I had in my hands from the two people on either side of me and opened it up to the person across from me. When I did this I could feel the excess of energy from the person across from me join the two balls I had in my hands into one big ball. This ball continued to grow and grow until I had what seemed to be a ball the size of a 20” beach ball. From here it continued to grow out to my sides. As I played around with it, by moving my hands around the sphere just so that I could see how big it actually was, I started to feel that I was losing it. I started to compress my hands where I felt the loss of energy and found that the once sphere was now becoming a disc. They energy was oriented in front of me as if I were looking into a mirror. I continued to feel the disc on both sides by moving my hands along the edge. As we were told to focus in on the apex of the pyramid I felt like I was starting to lose the energy again. I felt around for where it had gone and realized that it had rotated to a position parallel to the earth’s surface and was placed in front of every member of the pyramid as if we were sitting at the Round Table. The energy that this brought to the table, buh dum tch!, was amazing!

This day was full of different visions, none of which I really know the true meaning but can be interpreted in many ways. All I know is what I saw and I am sure the meaning of many will be revealed in time!

My morning session was quite intense but one of the best treatments I have ever had. As the first point, of three, in my heart was opened it felt like a needle appeared in my chest. It was a sharp pain but nothing unbearable. As the second point in my heart was being opened I started thinking of many of my past relationships. These ranged from high school to college to potential interests. I did not do much thinking about each one but they all ran through my mind and some stuck around longer than others. In the third heart point I started thinking about all my friends and loved ones. All these combined formulated a series of various emotions nothing of which was that powerful but it was a lot of content in such a short period of time.

Shortly after opening my heart I fell asleep and dreamt what I know to be an amazing dream. Upon waking up the dream flashed before my eyes and was gone. I tried to hold on to anything of the dream that I could remember but my memory faded almost instantly. This proved alright with me because I knew that whatever was in the dream was not something that my ego needed to know about. Since it was my heart that had the dream and it need not be clouded and analyzed through my ego. It was perfect the way it was and I accept that. Would have been nice to remember it but it was not supposed to be. All I know is that I was happy, clear and felt great!

As I laid there and unsuccessfully tried to pull in information from the dream I gave up and started visualizing different things. Two things that come to mind as significant are as follows: As I was thinking of relationships an image came to me. A humpback whale was floating in the ocean with a baby both touching the top of the water with the tip of their mouths. The baby seemed to be newly born and was almost touching the stomach of the father whale with it’s little hump. I then began focusing on why there were only two whales… for where would the mother be. The visualization quickly answered my question via a new image. There were now three whales a mother whale, a baby whale and a father whale swimming, in that order, tip to tale just along the surface. This put a smile on my face and I knew that this was a futuristic forecasting telling me that I will have a family some day. What a joy it was to have some sort of confirmation in that department for it is something that I have always wanted and know that it is right for me!

The next visualization was very simplistic and very beautiful. It was an egret gliding over open water in front of a sunset. The assorted colors glistened off the water as the tips skimmed the surface with every sparse stroke of its elegantly white wings. Truly a sight to be filmed and put in the introduction of a feature filmed drama about someone’s life.

At the end of the session while my partner was finishing up I had a vision that will be with me for the rest of my life. It was a vision of light, hope, love, trust, safety, piece, happiness, tranquility, and pure bliss. From the corner of my eye, a black sphere approached the center of my vision. Leading the sphere was a particle of light bright enough to light up half of the world in a bright white. The background was that of space, with stars, cancellations and moons. This particle was emitting two prisms of light on both sides of the sphere. The prisms of light were the only things in color. When the objects came into the center of my vision the sphere slowly turned into the earth and color was transmitted to the sphere. The particle illuminated the world with many of the feelings mentioned above. It radiated passion and guidance from what I took as spirit. Slowly two hands formed beneath the world and was holding it up as if it had full control of the situation at hand. This description does not do the picture duty. I tried to recreate it in illustrator but it turned out cheesy. I might give it another try but if not then you will have to do your best to understand. As I saw this picture in my vision my eyes teared over, not in sadness but in pure happiness. I knew from this point on that we were not alone and that things are working just the way that they were meant to. I laid there for an unknown amount of time smiling while individual tears crawled slowly down my cheeks. It was a vision to remember!

For the rest of the day I shimmered. The amount of love and joy I felt was insurmountable. I spent a lot of time just breathing it all in. I would doubt there would be a moment where, by closing my eyes and breathing in these feelings I have embedded in my brain, I could not turn my day right around. Well, may be not ANY moment but 99.99% of them!

If you ask me about this eperience you will be able to see in my face and expressions how much it meant to me!