The day began on a sluggish note. I turned off my alarm and didn’t even know that I did it. My roommate woke me up 10 min before I was supposed to be downstairs. This meant no meal until lunch. During the time used to ground ourselves and meditate I was very heavy headed as if the front of my brain had solidified into brick. I also felt like my body was twisting into a knot. The whole right side of my body was tense and my neck was in pain. I did not know if this was from the previous events in Hawaii when I carried a 30 lb rock 3 miles while hiking the Na Pali Coast, because it spoke to me, followed by carrying my mom for about half a mile while hiking the same coast because she hurt her knee or if it was tension built up from my resistance to the process the previous day. During the intension setting period I made the goal to “be accepting and let it happen”. The acceptance and conformation was about the system and my emotions. Since I knew that I was not going to be walking out anymore I really needed to get from this experience everything that I could.
As we made spiritual formations with our bodies we tried to feel the connection that we had with the people in our group. I could not find myself in a comfortable position due to the pain in my body. While I could not make the connections with other people sitting next to me I was pushed to listen to my body and realize that I needed new intentions. Once I made the intention “to find, listen to and be comfortable in my body”, I was able to jump right back into the formation. The apex shined down on my three formation partners and myself. It was full of light and connected all of our hearts into one ball of energy. This ball was not in the shape of a ball but in the shape of a pyramid. At each corner of the pyramid was a ball that connected up to everyone’s heart and it really felt as if something magical was happening.
Today was VERY intense with emotion. As I was being worked on another person was expressing anger, sadness and the want to quit the program and leave. The words spoken from their mouth were very intense and I felt really in tune with their feelings. As I laid on the table my eyes started to tear. As the tears were dripping down my cheek I felt that these tears were not for myself but for the person getting worked on next to me. Through their yelling and screaming I was showing emotion. It made me think that I am really affected by everything around me and peoples actions around me. As I started to internalize the emotions and make them my own I started thinking about people in my life that have had a considerable impact. William Roberts, a child I worked with at Camp Avanti and is very dear to my heart came to mind. He recently underwent surgery for a tumor on his spine. My grandpa Bob (my guardian angel) who is no longer with us came to mind and my parents, siblings, and friends were also brought up. They all seemed to come up individually at first and then when I thought about them all together and how it is going to be so hard to see any of them leaving my life (death) I really started to let go of my emotions. This lasted for about 3 minutes and seemed to almost abruptly come to a stop. The rest of the treatment didn’t really contain much emotion but it definitely opened me up to quite a bit more than I was experiencing before.
When we integrated back at the circle we talked about our experiences, as usual. I didn’t know if I was going to say anything but after the person who wanted to leave because of the treatment expressed their experience I needed to tell them that it was them that allowed me to open up. I needed to thank them. From the moment I opened my mouth, I think the first words were “I usually don’t cry but…”, I melted down in tears. I took a few deep breaths between words and was barely able to express to the group and thank the person who had allowed me to break down because the large sense of emotion that I felt at that moment was impeccable! Yes, it felt good! At that point in time I realized how much I had been missing out of by holding everything back. For the past 4 years of my life I have not let strong emotions flow from my body. I always took emotions, in general, as something that would skew my, what I thought to be, rational way of thought -- the thought process that has been expressed as needed in any professional career. Yes, I would be sad at times but it was not something that I expressed or that made me emotional. I knew that this was going to be the start of emotions for me and it was exactly what I needed to be able to really open up to them again and experience all the good emotions of life.
This day was overall good. It allowed me to accept myself, where I am in life, and know that I have things that I can work on and am determined to change. At the end of the day I felt grateful to be here: A place where nobody was judged, a place where I could do what I needed to open up to myself.
As we made spiritual formations with our bodies we tried to feel the connection that we had with the people in our group. I could not find myself in a comfortable position due to the pain in my body. While I could not make the connections with other people sitting next to me I was pushed to listen to my body and realize that I needed new intentions. Once I made the intention “to find, listen to and be comfortable in my body”, I was able to jump right back into the formation. The apex shined down on my three formation partners and myself. It was full of light and connected all of our hearts into one ball of energy. This ball was not in the shape of a ball but in the shape of a pyramid. At each corner of the pyramid was a ball that connected up to everyone’s heart and it really felt as if something magical was happening.
Today was VERY intense with emotion. As I was being worked on another person was expressing anger, sadness and the want to quit the program and leave. The words spoken from their mouth were very intense and I felt really in tune with their feelings. As I laid on the table my eyes started to tear. As the tears were dripping down my cheek I felt that these tears were not for myself but for the person getting worked on next to me. Through their yelling and screaming I was showing emotion. It made me think that I am really affected by everything around me and peoples actions around me. As I started to internalize the emotions and make them my own I started thinking about people in my life that have had a considerable impact. William Roberts, a child I worked with at Camp Avanti and is very dear to my heart came to mind. He recently underwent surgery for a tumor on his spine. My grandpa Bob (my guardian angel) who is no longer with us came to mind and my parents, siblings, and friends were also brought up. They all seemed to come up individually at first and then when I thought about them all together and how it is going to be so hard to see any of them leaving my life (death) I really started to let go of my emotions. This lasted for about 3 minutes and seemed to almost abruptly come to a stop. The rest of the treatment didn’t really contain much emotion but it definitely opened me up to quite a bit more than I was experiencing before.
When we integrated back at the circle we talked about our experiences, as usual. I didn’t know if I was going to say anything but after the person who wanted to leave because of the treatment expressed their experience I needed to tell them that it was them that allowed me to open up. I needed to thank them. From the moment I opened my mouth, I think the first words were “I usually don’t cry but…”, I melted down in tears. I took a few deep breaths between words and was barely able to express to the group and thank the person who had allowed me to break down because the large sense of emotion that I felt at that moment was impeccable! Yes, it felt good! At that point in time I realized how much I had been missing out of by holding everything back. For the past 4 years of my life I have not let strong emotions flow from my body. I always took emotions, in general, as something that would skew my, what I thought to be, rational way of thought -- the thought process that has been expressed as needed in any professional career. Yes, I would be sad at times but it was not something that I expressed or that made me emotional. I knew that this was going to be the start of emotions for me and it was exactly what I needed to be able to really open up to them again and experience all the good emotions of life.
This day was overall good. It allowed me to accept myself, where I am in life, and know that I have things that I can work on and am determined to change. At the end of the day I felt grateful to be here: A place where nobody was judged, a place where I could do what I needed to open up to myself.
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