Day 8 - Facing My Ego

My intention was set as: to let the day take me where I needed to go. This was in relation to expressing what I was feeling and facing the emotions I had in previous sessions of anger and frustration. I made this intention because we have been advised that we store a lot of that kind of stuff in our back and from here on out the work we have done is going to be on the back. I am planning on writing down all my aggressions on a piece of paper so that if I need to take it out on something I can put that piece of paper on a pillow and let it have it! The intention was changed to:

A discussion took place in the early morning that was quite an epiphany and lead to my understanding of some of the difficulties I have been having within the past couple of days. During circle our group discussed being “disconnected” from the work we are doing and not experiencing what is happening on the table by being in and out of one’s ego. The importance that I have been putting on remembering every little detail and really having something to write about has prevented me from fully experiencing everything. I have found that due to all this writing I have been doing about my experiences that I have started to stay in the state of a writer while in the sessions. This state is the state of the ego and has kept me from really opening up to myself and has diminished my experience in quality and quantity. For this reason many of my following entries may not contain as much detail for they will be on the overall experience of each day versus individual sections of the day and what they all meant for me. I will still try to be thorough in what I talk about, and include as much valuable and expressive experiences as possible, but some topics may be lacking. After this discussion my new intention became: not to be the writer.

The morning session was difficult for me. I worked on someone in the group who I have a past relationship (friendship) with. In the past, she has been a guide in many spiritual quests. While working on her I was engulfed by the need to give her a superior treatment, a treatment that surpassed the rest. I think this intention hindered my ability to feel the energy present and channel it to where it needed to be. The pace was slow and exhausting. For the first week, I was able to activate all points on the body and initiate any energy movements necessary, but in this session I could not initiate a spiral (kind of energy movement). When I asked for input on the situation, Arna kind of chuckled and said that it is not something that you can do, it just has to happen. Part of the problem was that I was not physically initiating the movement. In the past I had always just been able to think about it and it would really take me, but not in this case. I struggled through this session, finally ending well after everyone else. This fact did not really bother me but I was worried that I was doing something wrong and the possible effects it could have on the rest of my experiences.

Lunch came immediately after I finished my treatment, around 1:30. The “patients” were delayed in their presence at the table and one-by-one they came up stairs. When my partner made her way up she was not her normal self. She seemed drained and still in a integration stage from the treatment. She grabbed something to eat quick and went back downstairs for further integration. An hour later, I went down stairs for my session of treatment. Of course, my partner was still on the table sleeping it off. When she woke she seemed groggy and still not herself. I became very worried about her and could not get that out of my mind.

When my treatment started I was worried for two reasons. The first: I may have done this to her and she hates me for it. Second: she was going to do something she wasn’t supposed to and it was going to affect me some how. This prevented me from really moving out of my ego state and feeling what was going on in my own body. I found myself at numerous times thinking about the work that my partner was doing instead of just letting it happen. This went on for a majority of the session until there was an all of a sudden energy change from her and I was able to relax. The rest of the treatment went well. It has been a common occurrence for me to not really feel the full effects of the treatment until after the work has been completing and I am integrating. As I lay on the table in peace the treatment seems to take over my body and hit me all at once. I then fall asleep for a short while and wake up, sometimes in time for lunch/dinner. As I woke and felt my body a little I noticed that my lower back that has been causing me troubles had subsided and was really lose and relaxed, at least compared to what it used to be.

I have found that I don’t do well and tend to fall into the ego state when the person working on me is given directions from Arna about the next step. I automatically set my focus to what she is saying and really need to work on getting out of this habit and stay in my heart. An new intention for the future was made: to get out of the ego state and really allow myself to feel.

Day 7 - Trying to Hard

I woke up this morning with feelings of anxiety. I had an idea of what we were going to be working on today and I was not sure if I was ready for it. The main topic was sexuality and it was very interesting that it happened to come the day after last nights extensive conversation with a dear friend of mine on this specific subject.

My intention was made: “to let it happen and be open to it”. This intention was put in place so that I could face anything that would possibly come up and not be scared to expose myself (in more than one way).

I did not know what to expect of the treatment sessions that were going to happen today because I knew the area that we would be working in and it can get pretty personal. I was happy to find out that I would not have to be naked in front of all these people that I had just met a week ago. I guess it would not have been that big of a deal but it would be very uncomfortable for a little while at least.

I tried really hard to think about a few topics that I discussed with my friend the previous night. This is where I went wrong. In this work you aren’t supposed to try and do anything. You are supposed to let your body, soul and mind experience everything as it comes to you. I knew that it was wrong to be trying but I had to give it a shot. I kept thinking that if I passed up this opportunity to learn something or clarify something about my past relationships or possible ones that I would not get everything I could out of this program. Of course after sitting there for half an hour trying to think of things I realized that by trying to think of them that I was doing myself more of a disservice. So, I let it go and stopped trying. The funny thing is, nothing came to me after I stopped trying… I guess I am perfect when it comes to this sexuality stuff! Haha… who am I kidding!

Moral of the story: I thought things were going to come up and I was going to really come to clarity with myself on a bunch of issues today, but nothing really happened. Maybe it was all internal, maybe now is just not the time. I just hope that I will have the courage to express myself when the times come up.

Day 6 - A Day of Rest (sort of)

I was able to sleep in today because it was our day off. I got a good 12 hours of sleep but still feel like I need more. Much time was spent filling in missing information within these blogs from the previous days. I did get a chance to go into the real world for a little while. I went to “the Wedge” which is a whole foods store it was kind of intense. Driving was the most stressful of the whole experience. During the workshop there is nothing extra that stresses you besides the emotions you spill. It is purposefully made to be as stress-free as possible. So, transitioning from that to being in a car can be stressful at times, specifically during rush hour, is not fun. It wasn’t bad it just took a little used to getting used to.

I felt heavy headed all day and don’t really know why. It seems to me that just sitting here is pretty stressful in it-self. I don’t know what it is going to be like when I am done with the seminar but I read a story about a person who experienced that people treated her different. It was like they wanted to talk with her and she perceived it as the change in energy that she transmitted. I am excited to see if anything like this happens to me.

At around 11:30 pm I got in contact with a good friend of mine and had quite an urge to see him. I had so much to share with him about my experiences that that I decided to risk being tired the next day and see him after he was done working. Since I don’t have a car he was gracious enough to play chauffeur for the night. We ended up staying up till about 4:00 am when he drove me back to my seminar. I felt bad that I had kept him awake but do have to admit that we had some pretty good conversation topics such as: FOB, sexual promiscuity, music, relationships, etc. We shot thoughts, ideas, feelings back and forth, helped each other out with our own observations and for me: brought up and answered a lot of questions I had about certain things in my life pertaining to these subject topics. The interesting part was the relation that these things would probably have to the workshop I am currently taking. Little did I know how close I was to actually facing these subjects!

Day 5 - A Second Chance

Due to the previous days occurrences I made my intention as follows: “to open up to the powers at hand, feeling what I need to feel and expressing it either silently or violently”. Mainly, I was no longer going to repress my feelings anymore and let out what needed to let out of my body. I had no idea how the day was going to turn out and was both scared and excited for the possibilities.

During formations I was anticipating shedding my emotions. I figured with how I was feeling yesterday, and agreeing to let out the emotions if they came again, that this would be the time to take the next step in this healing process! I started thinking of the factors that almost unraveled me the previous day, but none of them really seemed to have the same effect. The thoughts of violence were only scratching the surface of what was inside. In frustration with myself, for not being able to bring up these emotions, I toned. What came out of my mouth was that of a near yell but nothing that could suffice for the amount of emotions I was felt the previous day. Nonetheless, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I do not know the extent of anger that I was able to get out of my body, but I could definitely feel a change within myself. I accepted that the emotions were not flowing and I decided to let my mind wander a little bit to the things that came to mind. Things that came to mind included medical school, past relationships and the idea of putting a punching bag in the corner so that people could hit something substantial while still “in the moment”. At this point I gave up on my mind and really just sunk into my body. Feeling every cell with every sweeping breath. The visualization of the earth and the prisms of light shinning down on it while being held up in space by two wise hands appeared. I just sat there looking at it and breathing it in.

As we sat in circle another lady expressed the anger that was going on in her body. She continued to talk about what she was experiencing and mentioned that she kept on having “You raise me up” come into her mind. It was quite the coincidence that just earlier that day I was singing that song and when I was getting my treatment I was humming it. Is this really a coincidence?

Upon expressing my experience of the previous day many questions were asked to me and insight provided. Overall it came down to this: I have to live in a way that is honest to myself and I don’t have to be perfect for anything or anyone… we try so hard to please everyone that we lose focus of what it is like to be ourselves. Even though the message was simple, a lot was discussed in this time frame.

The leaders of the group went on to tell everyone how important it is to let these emotions out during these times. “We have to live in the moment”; if you don’t allow yourself to feel these emotions and express them then we boggle them up and store them in our bodies -- not healthy.

Day 4 - Day of Negativity

I woke up at 7:30 to prepare for the day, I felt very rushed. My attitude and mind were unclear and darker than before. I was confused at the feelings I was experiencing, specifically since yesterday was SO great! I went downstairs, grabbed some cereal and ate it quickly in anticipation of being late for our circle. The cereal did not fill my empty stomach but I felt that it was more important to meet for the circle than suffice my animalistic needs.

As I entered the sacred room, I immediately sensed the change in energy. I felt that this day was going to take quite a toll on me. I tried to convince myself that everything was going to be all right and that today could be as blissful as yesterday, but there was no change in the energy. I chose to ignore the mood and placed it in the back of my mind. While trying to ground myself I threw all energy towards finding an intention for the day. A couple things came to mind but since Arna told me the previous day that I needed to concentrate on my Intentions, and be even more specific, the pressure was on. This did not come easily to me. Intentions were spoken and when it was my turn to speak I had no idea what to say… I took something that sounded good and I felt I could relate to. I spoke, “My intention is to find out what has been void in my life”. The rest of the circle continued to express their intentions and the circle was opened up for discussion.

This is when all the darkness started to make sense to me. One of my peers had tears rolling down her face and dropping onto her grey shirt, leaving an imprint of black from where the tears had hit. Each drop added to the darkness, one-by-one until she was able to speak. Her story was told and I was encapsulated by sadness of what was happening in her life. She was torn by a decision that she must make. The leaders of the group began asking her to look deep into her heart and if the answer would lye there. I felt her conundrum but in my heart the choice was simple. It was not my place to step in and tell her such thoughts because my truth is not her truth and I don’t know what is best for her, only she does.

It was brought up that this circumstance might have happened for her to work on something within herself so that she could heal and become perfectly herself. This is when I started to experience emotions other than sadness. When spoken, my body started to feel anger and hate. My interpretation of the sentence was that of conviction. It was my perception that they were trying to convince her toward one of the choices. I don’t know if this is the case but that was my interpretation. I know that this place is full of love and support and that everyone wanted this Woman to be able to find the right answer, but I could not prevent myself from feeling these emotions. It was then that I realized that maybe these emotions of which I was feeling were meant for me to work on. I put them at the back of my mind, for the moment, and continued to listen to the conversation.

It was my perception that they were trying to convince her of something, not allowing her to do what she felt was right, more so not allowing her to do what I felt was right! I wanted to voice my opinion but knew it was not my place to do so. She would decide what was true to her heart and I did not want to have any weight on that decision. This was her time to heal and only she could make that decision. As this went on I continued to feel all these negative feelings running through my body. My body wanted to let go and burst out but I was not about to let it. From here we moved right into formations

From the very beginning of the formations I tried as hard as I could to let my body concentrate on the task at hand. I found my brain spending much time thinking about my intention and trying to figure out exactly what it was that I needed to change or add to make the intention right. The thoughts of hate, fear and anger could not leave my mind and I knew that I needed to work on them, but I could not pull myself together to allow this. I knew that if I were to release these feelings during this time I would end up physically hurting myself. The hurt would not be that of intention, but that of needing to let out the rage into an object. Some form of aggression where my body could feel what I was going through and therefore help my situation. I could yell and scream but I needed to hit and kick. There were pillows in the room just for this reason but I knew they were not enough. There needed to be some mass behind the pillows or else I would end up hurting myself. I refrained for I needed something more intense, I needed a real punching bag; something that I could hit and kick as hard as I could to release these feelings while feeling a form of impact back. As I held in the emotions that were running through my body Saint Louis popped into my head. My hatred for this city was apparent. It was the action of this city and its effects on my soul that I have been bottling up. The racism and fear that this city introduced me to was hanging on my person like a parachute preventing me from getting up to a full sprint. Don’t get me wrong, I had a LOT of good things happen to me while at SLU such as friendships, extracurriculars etc., but those are not the things that I am here to work on.

Even though in this time of meditation we are not supposed to be thinking, I did, I needed to. It was through this thinking that I was able to recognize what was causing all these emotions. It felt like at the moment there was a connection between my heart and head. I was thinking but I was allowing myself to feel what I was going through. I don't know if the nonverbal expression of my emotions though containment was beneficial to me or if I should have let them out. I do know that it was at least a step in the right direction of noticing these feelings and understanding them, instead of just pushing them aside. After a long period of integration, I went back to the circle. I sat in the circle with my elbows on my knees and my face resting in my hands. I continued to think about the emotions I was feeling and tried to sort them out further. Nobody in the group had much to say for most of it was internal healing vs. all the external emotions over the first 3 days.

I was very thankful to be the down (on the table) first for this session. I don’t know if I would have been able to treat someone at that time without losing it. During this time I did not really feel any other emotions. To prevent myself from melting down I tried to sleep. Of course my brain wandered for a while and I never actually fell asleep, but the work done on me had no real effect except to calm me down, or so I thought. I only had one short vision while being worked on; a picture of a flea (could have been something else but it was the shape of a flea) followed by a fetus, followed by someone holding a baby. I don’t know what that means but it could have many interpretations. By the end of my treatment I was not fully relaxed and kind of restless. Sure enough within the next 10 min from when the treatment was over I fell asleep and missed lunch.

I woke as people started coming back into the room for the next set of treatments. I got off the table and sat in the circle, trying to ground myself. I did not know if I was going to be expected to treat my partner or not, but I was. At this moment, I was very thankful for that extra hour of sleep that I got on the table. I felt that it allowed a lot of the treatment to integrate internally. I am pretty sure that the spirits in the room did much work on my body as well. I don't know what this work was about but I was glad that it got me to a functional state. I felt that a lot of the work had to do with the release of some of the negative energy that I was feeling earlier. I was hoping that this would allow me to release the rest of the energy without hesitation during my next session. The treatment I gave took a lot longer than any previous. Everything seemed slow and took lots of patients and awareness of what was going on. My partner commented at dinner that he had quite the experience on, and off, the table.

In the final discussion of what happened this day nobody really opened up. It seemed that everyone was either struggling or had a lot of internal work done for which they could not, and did not need to, express. I seem to have experienced both. As the day went on the events seemed to all cloud together and affect my thinking processes.

My hope for the following day is to let out all negative emotions, feelings and thoughts from my body, for they have no place in my life. This is going to be a big challenge for me because I have kept all these emotions bottled up and stored in deep places of my body of which even I don’t know. I have a sense that a lot are in my lower back and neck because those are the two places of my body of which are constanty tight. The potential for the possible release of some emotions today might help or hurt me tomorrow in my quest to release them all. It might help in that I will not need to hit things so hard or kick them when there is nothing to really kick. It may also hurt me because I have re-internalized them and they might not be able to come back out or be so easy to find. Only time will tell…

With how this day went I was relieved to talk to a specific someone online and on the phone. I know that they will be reading this but it would be good for them to know that when I said that my day was “dark but better now that I am talking to you”, this was not a pick-up line. This was the truth. It was good to forget about the day and talk to another being who had no real connection to what I was going through and to know that I could just be open after all the “drama” that happened this morning.

Of course, as you all know, there was a lunar eclipse this night so we did some formational mediation during the eclipse. We did the same pyramidal formations as always but brought in our power animals to the mix. My experience was very powerful. I was able to connect up with all my power animals and found out that I had one I previously did not know about, the whale.

Day 3 - A Vision to Remember

Today was a day of blessing! I have never experienced joy surmounting to pure bliss before!

My intention was stated: “Give what is mine to give, take what is mine to take and love what is mine to love”. This intention just felt right at the time but I did not know where it really came from or what it meant but in the end it made sense.

In formations, I had a hard time differing between what was a vision of the mind and what was a vision of my heart. I was left pondering this question for some time and when not much was happening I decided to try something new. I forgot about thinking and trying to visualize everything and relied on my keen sense of energy through my hands.

When we were told to make a connection with the person on our right and to build that connection, I raised my left hand in front of me so that my palm was facing towards the person on my right. Immediately after, I placed my hand there I could feel the energy radiating off of her. I focused on this energy and it continually got larger until I had what felt as a softball of light and energy in my hand. When told to feel the connection with the person on our left, I raised my right hand, almost opposite my left, and attempted to do the same thing. This energy was much less and did not build up nearly to the size of the person on my right but I continued to focus on the two energies and started to try and meld them together. Next was to feel the heart to heart connection with the person across from us. I took the energy that I had in my hands from the two people on either side of me and opened it up to the person across from me. When I did this I could feel the excess of energy from the person across from me join the two balls I had in my hands into one big ball. This ball continued to grow and grow until I had what seemed to be a ball the size of a 20” beach ball. From here it continued to grow out to my sides. As I played around with it, by moving my hands around the sphere just so that I could see how big it actually was, I started to feel that I was losing it. I started to compress my hands where I felt the loss of energy and found that the once sphere was now becoming a disc. They energy was oriented in front of me as if I were looking into a mirror. I continued to feel the disc on both sides by moving my hands along the edge. As we were told to focus in on the apex of the pyramid I felt like I was starting to lose the energy again. I felt around for where it had gone and realized that it had rotated to a position parallel to the earth’s surface and was placed in front of every member of the pyramid as if we were sitting at the Round Table. The energy that this brought to the table, buh dum tch!, was amazing!

This day was full of different visions, none of which I really know the true meaning but can be interpreted in many ways. All I know is what I saw and I am sure the meaning of many will be revealed in time!

My morning session was quite intense but one of the best treatments I have ever had. As the first point, of three, in my heart was opened it felt like a needle appeared in my chest. It was a sharp pain but nothing unbearable. As the second point in my heart was being opened I started thinking of many of my past relationships. These ranged from high school to college to potential interests. I did not do much thinking about each one but they all ran through my mind and some stuck around longer than others. In the third heart point I started thinking about all my friends and loved ones. All these combined formulated a series of various emotions nothing of which was that powerful but it was a lot of content in such a short period of time.

Shortly after opening my heart I fell asleep and dreamt what I know to be an amazing dream. Upon waking up the dream flashed before my eyes and was gone. I tried to hold on to anything of the dream that I could remember but my memory faded almost instantly. This proved alright with me because I knew that whatever was in the dream was not something that my ego needed to know about. Since it was my heart that had the dream and it need not be clouded and analyzed through my ego. It was perfect the way it was and I accept that. Would have been nice to remember it but it was not supposed to be. All I know is that I was happy, clear and felt great!

As I laid there and unsuccessfully tried to pull in information from the dream I gave up and started visualizing different things. Two things that come to mind as significant are as follows: As I was thinking of relationships an image came to me. A humpback whale was floating in the ocean with a baby both touching the top of the water with the tip of their mouths. The baby seemed to be newly born and was almost touching the stomach of the father whale with it’s little hump. I then began focusing on why there were only two whales… for where would the mother be. The visualization quickly answered my question via a new image. There were now three whales a mother whale, a baby whale and a father whale swimming, in that order, tip to tale just along the surface. This put a smile on my face and I knew that this was a futuristic forecasting telling me that I will have a family some day. What a joy it was to have some sort of confirmation in that department for it is something that I have always wanted and know that it is right for me!

The next visualization was very simplistic and very beautiful. It was an egret gliding over open water in front of a sunset. The assorted colors glistened off the water as the tips skimmed the surface with every sparse stroke of its elegantly white wings. Truly a sight to be filmed and put in the introduction of a feature filmed drama about someone’s life.

At the end of the session while my partner was finishing up I had a vision that will be with me for the rest of my life. It was a vision of light, hope, love, trust, safety, piece, happiness, tranquility, and pure bliss. From the corner of my eye, a black sphere approached the center of my vision. Leading the sphere was a particle of light bright enough to light up half of the world in a bright white. The background was that of space, with stars, cancellations and moons. This particle was emitting two prisms of light on both sides of the sphere. The prisms of light were the only things in color. When the objects came into the center of my vision the sphere slowly turned into the earth and color was transmitted to the sphere. The particle illuminated the world with many of the feelings mentioned above. It radiated passion and guidance from what I took as spirit. Slowly two hands formed beneath the world and was holding it up as if it had full control of the situation at hand. This description does not do the picture duty. I tried to recreate it in illustrator but it turned out cheesy. I might give it another try but if not then you will have to do your best to understand. As I saw this picture in my vision my eyes teared over, not in sadness but in pure happiness. I knew from this point on that we were not alone and that things are working just the way that they were meant to. I laid there for an unknown amount of time smiling while individual tears crawled slowly down my cheeks. It was a vision to remember!

For the rest of the day I shimmered. The amount of love and joy I felt was insurmountable. I spent a lot of time just breathing it all in. I would doubt there would be a moment where, by closing my eyes and breathing in these feelings I have embedded in my brain, I could not turn my day right around. Well, may be not ANY moment but 99.99% of them!

If you ask me about this eperience you will be able to see in my face and expressions how much it meant to me!

Day 2 - Change of Heart

The day began on a sluggish note. I turned off my alarm and didn’t even know that I did it. My roommate woke me up 10 min before I was supposed to be downstairs. This meant no meal until lunch. During the time used to ground ourselves and meditate I was very heavy headed as if the front of my brain had solidified into brick. I also felt like my body was twisting into a knot. The whole right side of my body was tense and my neck was in pain. I did not know if this was from the previous events in Hawaii when I carried a 30 lb rock 3 miles while hiking the Na Pali Coast, because it spoke to me, followed by carrying my mom for about half a mile while hiking the same coast because she hurt her knee or if it was tension built up from my resistance to the process the previous day. During the intension setting period I made the goal to “be accepting and let it happen”. The acceptance and conformation was about the system and my emotions. Since I knew that I was not going to be walking out anymore I really needed to get from this experience everything that I could.

As we made spiritual formations with our bodies we tried to feel the connection that we had with the people in our group. I could not find myself in a comfortable position due to the pain in my body. While I could not make the connections with other people sitting next to me I was pushed to listen to my body and realize that I needed new intentions. Once I made the intention “to find, listen to and be comfortable in my body”, I was able to jump right back into the formation. The apex shined down on my three formation partners and myself. It was full of light and connected all of our hearts into one ball of energy. This ball was not in the shape of a ball but in the shape of a pyramid. At each corner of the pyramid was a ball that connected up to everyone’s heart and it really felt as if something magical was happening.

Today was VERY intense with emotion. As I was being worked on another person was expressing anger, sadness and the want to quit the program and leave. The words spoken from their mouth were very intense and I felt really in tune with their feelings. As I laid on the table my eyes started to tear. As the tears were dripping down my cheek I felt that these tears were not for myself but for the person getting worked on next to me. Through their yelling and screaming I was showing emotion. It made me think that I am really affected by everything around me and peoples actions around me. As I started to internalize the emotions and make them my own I started thinking about people in my life that have had a considerable impact. William Roberts, a child I worked with at Camp Avanti and is very dear to my heart came to mind. He recently underwent surgery for a tumor on his spine. My grandpa Bob (my guardian angel) who is no longer with us came to mind and my parents, siblings, and friends were also brought up. They all seemed to come up individually at first and then when I thought about them all together and how it is going to be so hard to see any of them leaving my life (death) I really started to let go of my emotions. This lasted for about 3 minutes and seemed to almost abruptly come to a stop. The rest of the treatment didn’t really contain much emotion but it definitely opened me up to quite a bit more than I was experiencing before.

When we integrated back at the circle we talked about our experiences, as usual. I didn’t know if I was going to say anything but after the person who wanted to leave because of the treatment expressed their experience I needed to tell them that it was them that allowed me to open up. I needed to thank them. From the moment I opened my mouth, I think the first words were “I usually don’t cry but…”, I melted down in tears. I took a few deep breaths between words and was barely able to express to the group and thank the person who had allowed me to break down because the large sense of emotion that I felt at that moment was impeccable! Yes, it felt good! At that point in time I realized how much I had been missing out of by holding everything back. For the past 4 years of my life I have not let strong emotions flow from my body. I always took emotions, in general, as something that would skew my, what I thought to be, rational way of thought -- the thought process that has been expressed as needed in any professional career. Yes, I would be sad at times but it was not something that I expressed or that made me emotional. I knew that this was going to be the start of emotions for me and it was exactly what I needed to be able to really open up to them again and experience all the good emotions of life.

This day was overall good. It allowed me to accept myself, where I am in life, and know that I have things that I can work on and am determined to change. At the end of the day I felt grateful to be here: A place where nobody was judged, a place where I could do what I needed to open up to myself.

Day 1 - The Beginning

Upon my arrival at the house, I was pleased to find out that a long “lost” friend was taking the course as well. She is someone that I admire very much and immediately after she said she was going to be taking the class I was semi-relieved: Maybe this will not be as bad as I thought, and if it is then I will have someone that I trust and can talk with. At this moment I stopped wanting to run away (at least as much) and was accepting of being at the house. I still did not want to be there but I felt a little grounded. She supplied a sense of familiarity to the dwelling situation.

Every session is set up with the same structure behind it. We meet at precisely 7:55 am in our circle in a lovely room down in the basement of the house. In this room there are three areas. The first is where we hold our circle meetings. In this space there are eight chairs forming a circle where each participant has a self-determined place that they will use for the duration of the workshop. In the middle of the circle is a crystal on a blue velvet cloth. Around the crystal are three candles that stay lit at all times. The second space is an open area where the group holds meditative formations. These formations are in the shape of diamonds. Each person sits at a corner facing the center of the formation. The third area is the workspace. Three message tables are placed side-by-side with about four feet in between them forming an energy grid. The room is kept warmer than usual and consists of walls in a light and delicate shade of pink. This is the area where the workshop takes place. The dimensions of the room in total are approximately 35’X25’ with ceilings 9 feet high.

At the beginning of the first session we sat in a circle and did some talking about the program and meditation. We proceeded to set intentions for ourselves that would encompass that day and possibly more. The point of these intensions was to share with the group what we wanted to accomplish and could be altered at any time. The point of sharing with the group was to make our intentions a reality that everyone felt, not just something on the inside. Sharing is a mechanism that allows us to connect with other people and develop trust and security, which is vital to these processes! My intention was set that I wanted to “let go and start anew”. I took this intension not as a final goal but as a first step towards my final goal of “defining myself and figuring out my calling, therefore determining what will make me happy”. With all the emotions that built up through out the session, that I did not even recognize, my intention was altered and by the end of the session it was extended to “let go, start anew, be emotion full and develop a voice of my own”. These intentions were chosen because I feel that I need to develop these areas before I can be truthful with myself.

Out of all these areas there is one that stands out above the rest in my mind: develop a voice of my own. It has become habit for me to attach on to other peoples goals and not set my own because I do not know what I ultimately want. Therefore I am not able to be truthful to myself and develop a decisive attitude towards things in my life and find myself in a state of limbo on many situations. I need to have a grasp on where I stand! Don’t get me wrong, I have many strong standpoints about many finite issues but when it comes down to me knowing what is best for me, I am lost. I tend to put other people before myself, think they have it all figured out, stranding myself in accomplishing anything personal. The first moment I took what someone else recommended and used it as my own was when I stranded myself in this ongoing circle. I have noticed this in the past and have changed my attitude towards making decisions of my own but this NEEDS to permanently change!

My recent understanding of this program is that it allows you to open up to yourself and become/figure out who you are. It is quite intense and can be painful and emotional, many times both. The structure of this program is very strict and intense: precise is how Arna (the teacher) explains it. This line of work is different what I am used to. Coming from a background in shamanic work that is very laid back and random at times it was hard to transition into such an intense atmosphere, little did I know the connections that I would find between the two. The feelings of not wanting to be there and rebellion did not help nor did the lack of sleep. Sharing of feelings is encouraged and urged in the program and in the middle of the session I shared my feelings of resistance with the group. I was pleased to have others admit to be having the same feelings for when I first met them all I though that I was the only one there that had stuff to work on and that I was the only one there for personal reasons. I came up with this conclusion while talking to my roommate who is studying to become a practitioner of energy healing. Considering we were the two youngest people there I thought everyone else was there for that same reason. Maybe we are not so different from each other after all. The action of admitting this helped to recognize what was happening and to try and focus not on my ego but my soul. Even with this realization I still found myself resisting throughout the rest of the day until the very end when Arna caught me in the act of resistance. This was the first step towards the potential healing to come.

During the session I had a constant feeling of awkwardness. In the program you use your voice to tone. The tone can be any sound that you “instinctively” are pushed to produce. Typically it is a long vowel or a set of nonsense syllables to the standard tongue, it can range from melodious to a yell. It was hard to me to be able to produce these sounds and feel comfortable in the group. This was mainly a trust and comfort issue. I could not do this in front of 6 people that I didn’t know. I have been introduced to many random acts of letting go and not caring what others thing but these actions were of extreme difficulty for me to start doing. I am normally a fairly shy person when it first comes to meeting someone. It takes me a little while to feel the tone that someone sets about what is the proper way to act around them. Once I get to know someone I have no problem doing anything crazy in front of them. Maybe trust and learning to not really care what ANYONE else thinks is something that I need to work on as well. I thought I was pretty close to this but obviously there is still something to work on.

The theory behind the toning and frequencies work, to the best of my understanding, is that our bodies have a set frequency and are affected by different tones and through the opening of doorways in the body we can rearrange energy and affect the natural frequency of a person’s body. One way to help a person get in tune with themselves and ground themselves is to use your voice to set a tone for them. I will not go through much more detail on how the system works but if you are interested please don’t hesitate to leave feedback asking and I will clear some things up for you.

I ended the session on a better note than I entered, but I did still not want to continue. Due to my hesitant persona, about this course specifically, I was unable to really reach any conscious changes in myself in relation to my first set of intentions. This did not help the continuing analysis of course value and lead to weighing the pros and cons to see if it was worth even staying. If I was not brought up believing that once I say that I will do something I follow it through till then end I might have walked away. Then there was the slight bit of information that I obtained about the cost of this program and then I really could not leave if it meant forking over all that for nothing.

I learned that this course was not just to do healing on others and myself but also to learn the practices to become a practitioner. Meaning that I could do this for a living if I so desired but most likely on the side for I will only be of level one. I became a little more excited because I love to learn and by knowing that I am actually obtaining knowledge that is valuable has made the process a little more intriguing for me. I was excited to become a level I practitioner of frequencies work!

The session ended at 8pm and from there I stayed up late finishing a power point for my mother and connecting with friends over the Internet.

Closing One Door Opens Another

On February 17th 2008 I took part on a journey that could ultimately change my life forever. I attended a Frequencies of Brilliance course for 12 days with the goal to find my inner meaning in this life and who I am supposed to be; so that I may love and cherish, myself, others, and this world. Ultimately, I want to find and live the life I am meant to live. This course promises, spirit and self-willing, that I can open up to my inner self and learn to live through my heart.

The following um-so entries are a day-by-day journal of my experience. Some days are light and some are dark. This really gets into the nitty-gritty of what it is like to take part in this seminar from my point of view. I hold nothing back and if you at any point you feel that you do not want to know such things about myself then stop reading and skip to the summation that I will write at the end of the two week session.

Note: everything in these entries is my opinion of my experience throughout this process. By no means is everything that I experienced as truth the truth of the other members of the group or of other courses. I am not able to talk about other people’s experiences or what happened to them so some issues may not contain enough information for you to actually understand them fully. I apologize for any confusion that may happen while reading.

To understand the following experiences I had you will need to understand what Amanae and Frequencies of Brilliance (FOB) are. Below are descriptions of both given by the people who know it best, the practitioners. The following website gives a great SHORT description of the specific workshop that I am taking place in.
http://www.arna-k-leshem.com/Stage1.html
Anotherwebsite http://www.frequenciesofbrilliance.com/welcome.htm

Amanae

Is a journey of self-healing and discover that begins in your heart. It is a holistic technique that is done on a massage table. Every session begins with opening the heart, and is usually an hour long

In the course of our lives, we go through different things that bring up emotions and reactions, which for various reasons, we are often unable to feel or address in the moment. Instead, we keep these inside, and they get stored in the deep tissue in our bodies, where they can lead to physical discomfort, chronic disease, emotional and/or mental problems, destructive patterns, unhappiness in our lives, or a feeling of being stuck and not being able to change…

In Amanae we use the breath to come into our bodies and feel what is held in them. This means that client’s role during the session is to be present in their body by breathing into the areas that are being accessed with the practitioner’s help. The practitioner utilized his/her hands, breath, voices and energy to meet the client in the area of the body that is being worked on, and open it, so that whatever is held there can come up, be felt, expressed and released. It is only once we have felt and integrated (with our breath) what is held in our bodies that we can start letting go and discover the truth about our selves and our lives.

Amanae is a process that requires a commitment to your self. But in it, are many gifts for you to find such as: self-healing, self-discovery, self-love, Freedom, empowerment, joy and more

Frequencies of Brilliance

Frequencies of Brilliance is an energy work that connects with the “purest” part of your SELF. This could also be described as your “Divine Aspect” – it is the part of you that knows the Devine, that which knows no limitation.

Many of us experience a “lack of meaning: at some point in our lives. However complete our lives seem many of use have a feeling that something is not quite right. There may be a belief that an aspect of happiness or joy is just beyond our grasp. Frequencies of Brilliance work opens “energetic doorways’ on the body. Through the openings you being to recognize and move from your truth and fullness to create the life you came here to create. I n that creation is the happiness and joy that was thought to be beyond your grasp. The work brings balance and inner wisdom to your life, which is health enhancing.

Frequencies of Brilliance brings the potential for emotional, physical and spiritual healing as we take the steps to let go of all that has been holding us in place. Through opening the doorways, information is brought into the physical cells of the body, this information is the transferred to the DNA. Since the work accesses the divine blueprint for life at the soul level, information is available for regenerating cells and structure as well as for spiritual awakening.

Due to my overwhelming feeling of being lost and needing to grab hold of something solid I did not want to take place in this seminar. I agreed to do it partially because my mom seemed to really want this for me and I trust her. I wanted to take part in the workshop before I really found out what it was all about and how serious it was. Those thoughts began on my vacation to Hawaii the previous week. On the airplane my mom wanted to talk to me about what to expect and when I realized that I was going to be “stranded” at this house in southern Minneapolis for a week I started feeling regret for saying yes to it. It didn’t help that I was going to have to go directly from the airport on my way back to Hawaii to the house to start the first session and that I only packed Hawaii clothes. I also need my friends and I want to see them. They are the part of me that makes me whole. It is the feeling of being separated from the world that can have positive and negative effects.

Time in Limbo

Two days after my car was stolen I received a call from the St. Paul police department telling me that my car had been stripped and that it was at the St. Paul impound. This was a relief for me as well as a pain in the ass because how the hell can I be expected to get over to St. Paul when my car has been stolen! This feeling became really apparent when my dad dropped me off at the impound and they had already started to charge a fee for towing the car and holding it. I would have thought that we would at least be granted a grace period. It ended up not being a big deal because when I went to look at the car there was nothing left that I would want… besides my $50 ironman triathlon watch and some of the speakers in the car. I don’t know why they didn’t take the tweeters or the 5” rounds because they were pretty nice! I was unable to get out the 4 by 9s in the back for some reason or another and they also left the taillights and the seats. That is at least another $150 that they could have gotten from the car by selling them on ebay. I took what I could from the car even though we weren’t supposed to (I am sure that they were fine with personal items but all else attached to the car I think we were supposed to leave). I ended up leaving the car at the impound for it to be sold at a local auction or compressed into a flat sheet of metal and plastic!

From here I started spending a LOT of time on the internet. Approximately 10 hours a day researching jobs, cars and MCAT. This could not have been healthy for me!

There is not a lot else that happened to me between then and my trip to Hawaii so I won’t talk much about that time period besides that I have had a few interviews with some head hunter corporations which have not lead to anything besides them telling me to get in contact with them after I come back from Hawaii.

I left for Hawaii on February 9th and spent a week there with my family. The weather was not as warm as I had hoped at times due to the overcast conditions that we experienced sometimes when on the beach but when the sun was out it was glorious! We went hiking in the jungle, swam under a natural 150’ waterfall, zip lined near the mountains (jungle area), went on a whale watching tour where we saw the Na Pali coast, whales and dolphins. I saw hundreds of whales, tons of breaches and overall it was a very relaxing time. With all the time spent outside in the sun and on the beach I was very surprised that I did not get burnt!

While in Hawaii I had a few phone calls from different companies inquiring about job positions and I am pretty sure that if all else fails I will be able to move to CO and become a swimming/diving/tennis instructor along with lifeguard at Cherry Hills! This of course would interfere with my bike trip so I still have some things to think about.