Day 6 - A Day of Rest (sort of)

I was able to sleep in today because it was our day off. I got a good 12 hours of sleep but still feel like I need more. Much time was spent filling in missing information within these blogs from the previous days. I did get a chance to go into the real world for a little while. I went to “the Wedge” which is a whole foods store it was kind of intense. Driving was the most stressful of the whole experience. During the workshop there is nothing extra that stresses you besides the emotions you spill. It is purposefully made to be as stress-free as possible. So, transitioning from that to being in a car can be stressful at times, specifically during rush hour, is not fun. It wasn’t bad it just took a little used to getting used to.

I felt heavy headed all day and don’t really know why. It seems to me that just sitting here is pretty stressful in it-self. I don’t know what it is going to be like when I am done with the seminar but I read a story about a person who experienced that people treated her different. It was like they wanted to talk with her and she perceived it as the change in energy that she transmitted. I am excited to see if anything like this happens to me.

At around 11:30 pm I got in contact with a good friend of mine and had quite an urge to see him. I had so much to share with him about my experiences that that I decided to risk being tired the next day and see him after he was done working. Since I don’t have a car he was gracious enough to play chauffeur for the night. We ended up staying up till about 4:00 am when he drove me back to my seminar. I felt bad that I had kept him awake but do have to admit that we had some pretty good conversation topics such as: FOB, sexual promiscuity, music, relationships, etc. We shot thoughts, ideas, feelings back and forth, helped each other out with our own observations and for me: brought up and answered a lot of questions I had about certain things in my life pertaining to these subject topics. The interesting part was the relation that these things would probably have to the workshop I am currently taking. Little did I know how close I was to actually facing these subjects!

Day 5 - A Second Chance

Due to the previous days occurrences I made my intention as follows: “to open up to the powers at hand, feeling what I need to feel and expressing it either silently or violently”. Mainly, I was no longer going to repress my feelings anymore and let out what needed to let out of my body. I had no idea how the day was going to turn out and was both scared and excited for the possibilities.

During formations I was anticipating shedding my emotions. I figured with how I was feeling yesterday, and agreeing to let out the emotions if they came again, that this would be the time to take the next step in this healing process! I started thinking of the factors that almost unraveled me the previous day, but none of them really seemed to have the same effect. The thoughts of violence were only scratching the surface of what was inside. In frustration with myself, for not being able to bring up these emotions, I toned. What came out of my mouth was that of a near yell but nothing that could suffice for the amount of emotions I was felt the previous day. Nonetheless, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I do not know the extent of anger that I was able to get out of my body, but I could definitely feel a change within myself. I accepted that the emotions were not flowing and I decided to let my mind wander a little bit to the things that came to mind. Things that came to mind included medical school, past relationships and the idea of putting a punching bag in the corner so that people could hit something substantial while still “in the moment”. At this point I gave up on my mind and really just sunk into my body. Feeling every cell with every sweeping breath. The visualization of the earth and the prisms of light shinning down on it while being held up in space by two wise hands appeared. I just sat there looking at it and breathing it in.

As we sat in circle another lady expressed the anger that was going on in her body. She continued to talk about what she was experiencing and mentioned that she kept on having “You raise me up” come into her mind. It was quite the coincidence that just earlier that day I was singing that song and when I was getting my treatment I was humming it. Is this really a coincidence?

Upon expressing my experience of the previous day many questions were asked to me and insight provided. Overall it came down to this: I have to live in a way that is honest to myself and I don’t have to be perfect for anything or anyone… we try so hard to please everyone that we lose focus of what it is like to be ourselves. Even though the message was simple, a lot was discussed in this time frame.

The leaders of the group went on to tell everyone how important it is to let these emotions out during these times. “We have to live in the moment”; if you don’t allow yourself to feel these emotions and express them then we boggle them up and store them in our bodies -- not healthy.